This Post is Going to be Fast

Cause I am still at work and I want to get the eff out of here, but I have to do this on my work computer cause my laptop is annoying and hard to deal with and so anyways, I hope this picture post works. Steven from Project Runway has been bugging me for 3 weeks now.






I have been trying to figure out why. I mean besides the fact that he talks like a child molester, SHUT UP, you know he does!! Every time I see him I want to get out my dolly and point to the bathing suit area to show where he touched me. ANYWAYS, I have finally figured out that more than that, he reminds me of that creepy killer from Manhunter!!!! (You know, the original Hannibal Lecter movie, before they remade it into Red Dragon and Ralph Fiennes was way too hot to be scary.) Look...

Don't even fucking lie to me and say you don't think it looks like him. It does, and he's scary, and every time he's on screen I want to cry.

I Just Saw a Commercial for the High School Musical Ice Show

I kind of want to get really drunk and go.

15 Word Movie Review: In the Land of Women

This movie was so awful I want the Haitian to erase my memories of it.

Open Letter to Anyone Who Has Ever Driven on the Highway Period

GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE LEFT LANE! If you are riding in the left lane and you are not actively passing someone, I HATE YOU. Don't even try to be like, "but I am going faster than most of these cars and I don't want to keep moving over to pass the slower cars in the right lane!" Yea, I know, it's so effing tough to put your blinker on and move over lanes. I am crying for you right now, but I DON'T CARE because I WANT TO GO FASTER THAN YOU. And then when I pass you I will move over to the right lane so that if someone wants to go faster than me they can. BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DRIVING ON THE HIGHWAY IS SUPPOSE TO WORK, unlike you you fricking idgit.

Also, by "actively passing," I mean that if you come upon someone in the right lane who is driving slower than you and you must pass on the left, WHY DON'T YOU SPEED UP TO DO IT??? Do not just effing get in the left lane and roll on at your current speed. THAT IS ANNOYING AND IT SLOWS EVERYONE DOWN. Let's just get something straight: if you are ever in the left lane and you are not going more than 5 mph over the speed limit, YOU ARE A WORTHLESS EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING and you should be sterilized so that you cannot propagate another generation of morons who will fuck up everyone else's life through their stupidity.

A special shout out to the mongoloid at the Praireville Shell station, who left her car parked at the pump after she was done filling up while she went inside to buy her ho-hos or ding dongs or whatever. Did you seriously have your head so far up your own ass that you did not see the one, even two cars, parked behind every single pump waiting to fill up? I mean, I AM NOT KIDDING YOU, I thought you were a part of some hidden camera show designed to capture the reactions of people to extreme stupidity, cause I really cannot believe you did not want to put your car in drive and move it 20 feet to a parking spot right outside the front door. Congratulations, you're an asshole. I am amazed the human genetic code could create someone with such a severe level of retardation. Do us all a favor and get a helmet and never leave your home again.

Oh, one other thing. If I have to get into the left lane to pass you, cause you are a moron and everything, and then when I get back into the right lane you flash your brights at me, or honk or WHATEVER to try and show your disapproval, STOP WASTING YOUR TIME. I do not fucking care! You deserve that shit! Be glad I didn't throw eggs at your car or something. ONE DAY MY TOLERANCE WILL BE EVEN LOWER THAN IT ALREADY IS AND I WILL RUN YOU OFF THE ROAD, I swear to all that is holy.

Seacrest out.

And So It Begins...

Last night's episode of The Office was the final new one produced before the writers went on strike. No word has yet been created in English language that expresses how sad this makes me. I bet the writers from the Office could come up with an awesome word. I think it goes without saying that while there are few things that bring me more joy in life than new episodes of The Office, my hatred for evil greedy corporations overcomes my selfish desire for entertainment. Strike on writers! I'll be over here watching JAM fan videos on YouTube and obsessively watching all the old seasons on DVD. I do that kind of stuff even when the writers aren't on strike, but now it will be out of necessity.

Yesterday's crackilicious Brew double play: [is this getting old yet? whatevs, I like it] "Time For Me to Fly" by REO Speedwagon followed by "Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden.

Here's What I've Been Thinking About Today

How do psycho people get sane people to marry them? I mean, for real. For the past couple weeks, I've been fascinated with Heather Mills and the insane lengths she is going to to basically smear Paul McCartney's name all over the press. And she's just talking nonsense half the time, like "I have tapes" and "I can't say anything because of this court order," like if exposing him to the world was sooooo important to you you would just come out and spill it already, but no, we all know you are just in it for the money. Whatevs.

But anyways, this has made me think about the nature of relationships in general, like how does someone who seems completely normal and sane like Paul McCartney end up marrying a fruit loop like Heather Mills? (And yes, I understand that I don't actually know these people and am just judging them based on things I have seen on TV. Maybe Paul McCartney is a complete freak who secretly is into furries, but I'm just assuming he's not. Assume with me, won't you?) I can even understand how you (you are sane and normal in this hypothetical) might start going out with a psycho and they seem nice for awhile and you like them, and then you start to learn things about them and you're like, all righty then, time for me to get on up out of here. But how do you end up dating a psycho for a long period of time, marry them, have children with them, and then all of the sudden realize they have been psycho all along? OR, do people really turn psycho over night??? I hesitate to believe this, because I am an advocate for that old cliche that people really don't ever change.

I realize this entry is really vague and I wish I could be more eloquent about my feelings on this subject, but this has seriously been bugging me. I have been in situations where I thought I have known someone and then one day sort of "woken up" and figured out that that person was completely different than I thought they were. But this has almost always been in situations where I haven't known that person for very long, and haven't had a really deep relationship with them. And I don't mean like when you find out your best friend is secretly into porn or anything like that, I mean like you find out someone you thought was fundamentally a good and sane person turns out to be a raging beeyotch who will go on TV and imply that you like to molest small children and stuff.

God, this entry sucks. Sorry. I don't even know where I'm going with it at all. I really just wanted to share the deep feelings I am having about Heather Mills. It sounds so ridiculous to say, but I honestly feel like if I ever get married I will always be waiting for my husband to just suddenly turn nutso. THIS IS WHAT AMERICA'S DECLINE IN FAMILY VALUES HAS DONE TO ME.

Today's winner for most crackilicious Brew double play of the day: "Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC followed by "The Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats.

The Brew Just Did It Again!

I don't know why I am so fascinated with this, but they just played "Power of Love" and "Another Brick in the Wall" again - this time they played "Won't Back Down" by Tom Petty inbetween, so it's wasn't as jarring, but it's weird. It's also weird to listen to Another Brick in the Wall in my office when it's pitch black outside. That song sort of freaks me out enough as it is, I don't want to listen to it in the dark.

15 Word Movie Review: Because I Said So

This movie was written by mentally challenged people who have never actually observed human beings.

15 Word Movie Review: Lars and the Real Girl

SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!

If I cry at the funeral of a doll, that means the movie is good.

Argh, Help Me Understand You, Crazy 97.3!

I've always been a Dave and Carole girl in the morning, and have always left my radio tuned to 96.5 for the rest of day, cause it's Milwaukee's "best classic rock" and what have you. But recently, in an effort to branch out a little, and because I finally got around to setting the radio presets on the fancy new radio slash ipod dock slash cd player thingie from Sharper Image I bought for my office, I have started listening to the Brew at work. I mean, c'mon, if there was ever a radio station I would listen to just based on the name alone, it would be one called the Brew, right? Anyways, I have no idea how the Brew classifies itself, I think my understanding of it when it first came on the air was like classic rock for a younger generation? Like Van Halen and Motley Crue instead of the Doobie Brothers and Fleetwood Mac? Anyways, after listening to it for a couple days now, I can safely say that any understanding I had about their "format" or "concept" has been completely obliterated, except that I can safely say I think the brainstorming session where said format or concept was conceived involved large quantities of crack. Maybe that should be their slogan, "we smoke crack and then play songs."

By way of illustration, the other day they played Huey Lewis and the News' "Power of Love." I know what you're thinking: awesome, I heart that song, and it's from a fabulous movie starring MJF going back in time and french kissing his mom. Yea, I know, I thought the same thing, and "Power of Love" is a song I want to hear on my radio dial! However, the next song the Brew played? Immediately after "Power of Love"... was "Another Brick in the Wall" by Pink Floyd. Um, oooook? Again, I'm into PF, I dig the song, but really? A somber attack on conformity from the trippiest band ever as a follow up to a power pop love ballad straight from the heart of the 80s? I. don't. get. it. I mean, this station plays "Promises, Promises" by Naked Eyes, a new wave classic, but also "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" by a hair band. Does not compute.

Then, today, after a strange combo of "Jack and Diane" followed by some REO Speedwagon I have never heard of (I admit this combo doesn't seem so weird, but you had to hear this REO song, I think the main instrument was tambourines??) they played a CREED song! They played CREED people! What the hell is happening here? Cause no matter how crazy a radio station gets, I am pretty sure mixing Creed with Poison, Naked Eyes, Pink Floyd and Huey Lewis will only lead to trouble.

Anyways, the Brew is still the best non-KLH station for me so far. Don't even get me started on the stupid effing Mix or whatever station that is that turns into a non-stop Christmas music station starting on November 1st. I hate baby jesus and his stupid ass face.

I Should Really Get Around to Ordering Wireless Internet

On my way home last night I was thinking about a lot of random things, weaving them together in my mind into a fabulous blog entry that would cover Milwaukee radio stations, getting older, feeling like a kid playing dress up when I have to go to court, and the nature of relationships and how they can change so suddenly. This sounds really deep and interesting, doesn't it? (not really I guess, but for dramatic effect let's pretend it really would have been awesome.)

Well, then I got home, sat down at my laptop to write it, and, duh duh duh duh, the neighbor I steal wireless from had turned off their network. I know, you're thinking, you steal wireless? I do, I'm sorry. Though I have lived in my apartment for over 5 years now (wow) I have never bothered to bring myself into the 21st century and actually order my own high-speed internet. I had dial-up (I know, how retro) up until a couple months ago, but I hardly used it cause I am not sure if you have heard, dial up is slow, and I can steal wireless.

When I really need to do something on the internet and my neighbor's wireless is turned off, I get really frustrated, like who turns off their wireless network??? Don't you know people who steal your wireless have important things to do??? I feel like everyone in my building should understand that my need to play online poker or write a blog entry comes first.

Anyways, so the whole point of this entry is to say that I had a really awesome entry planned, and my own laziness and my neighbor's totally unreasonable wireless network habits kept me from writing it. I'll try to get around to it sometime soon, until then, please send all angry letters to Kari's neighbor who insists on turning off their wireless network even though she has important blog entries to write, c/o my building, Shorrre-woood.

Blog Blog Bloo

OOOkay. I have had a number of blogs over the years, none of which ever seemed to last very long. (Shout out to Leslie and StayLo, remember when we had that blog about TV that lasted 5 seconds, that was awesome.) Anyways, I'm going to go back and find my old posts sprinkled about the internet and post them here. And maybe keep up with this blog as well. Or maybe I will get sick of it after a week and go back to smoking dope with the homeless dudes that hang on the corner of Humboldt and Lyon. (j/k, lol. I wouldn't waste my dope on homeless people.)

If I can backdate the old entries to match when I actually wrote them I will, otherwise, don't be confused if the next post seems like a time warp back to more innocent days.

Edited to Add: WOO, it worked, so the entries you see below are dated the exact date and time I originally published them to the internets. How exciting, alert the media.