A Race Family Christmas

We just went to a movie, national treasure 2, which was actually
pretty good. I lobbied for walk hard but got outvoted. Oh well. Right
now we're off to have drinks at my parents' favorite bar, and we
convinced my mom not to make us go to church so the plan for tonight
is just to go home, eat meat pie and open presents, yippee! I already
know I'm getting a microwave and 30 rock on DVD. Life can't get much
better.

Peace out.

Test

This is a test. Supposedly I can post on my blog just be sending an
email... This is probably not a great thing, since it prompts me when
I am bored to write stupid posts about how I just thought about that
SNL commercial parody with cookie dough gatorade and will ferral
squeezing cookie dough onto his face and laughed out loud. Oh will
ferral, I wish you were pure and innocent again.

One More Brew Observation to Make My Readers' Days

I really hate that section of "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" with the baseball announcer. Come to think of it, I hate the section with the girl screaming about "will you love me forever" as well. Hell, I think I hate this entire song.

The Brew Needs More Christmas Songs

They have like maybe ten, and so I keep hearing the same bad ones over and over again, including Bruce Springsteen's version of "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" where it sounds like he is not even singing, just sort of half talking and half drunk slurring. Put down the egg nog Bruce.

I Know I Am Way Behind...

but I am watching Ugly Betty on DVD and Daniel is about to hit on his supposed to be dead brother who is actually a hot new lady and I can't handle it! This show is suppose to be fun and light and silly, not creepy and incesty. ugh!

Also, why won't Betty just dump that sad sack Walter and do it with Henry already???!!!

Ever Since I Can Remember, I've Been Poppinga My Collar.

So, last year, my HLP StayLo was kind enough to invite me to the first Packer game of the season. Her parents live three blocks from Lambeau, and before the game (which I believe was at night or at least later in the afternoon) her family had a barbecue and I got sloppy drunk off delicious frozen margaritas in a bucket. I believe there was also some frozen *censored* on a beach in a bucket too. I may not be remembering it right, but there was definetly frozen alcoholic drinks in buckets and I was definetly blotto. Anyways, at the actual game I became obsessed with one of the Packers' new players, Brady Poppinga. Despite StayLo's insistence that his name was pronounced pa-pin-ga, I kept saying over and over again, "ever since I can remember I've been poppin-ga my collar", to the tune of that awesome rap song by national treasure The Three Six Mafia, "Poppin' My Collar." This is probably one of those "you had to be there" stories, but trust me, it was really funny and ever since I can't not refer to Brady Poppinga as "Poppinga my colla." (This story is leading somewhere too, so be patient, god.)

So a couple weeks ago StayLo was all excited to tell me that Mr. Poppinga my collar himself was going to be making an appearance at her company to sign autographs as part of some cell phone promotion. I was like, dude, you have to tell him that I call him Poppinga my collar and see what he says. StayLo did not like this idea, and I think even said something about the fact that Mr. PMC happens to be Mormon and would not even know what song she was talking about, which is total bs cause they can't get enough of the Three Six Mafia in Utah.

Anyways, (I need a new segue word, just like how in every brief I write I'm constantly saying further to the point where I bet every judge in the Milwaukee area is like, here's Attorney X and her damn further again), tonight StayLo and I went to dinner to start planning my big 30th birthday extravanganza (mark your calendars for Jan. 12! I'm supa excited!!!) and she presented me with this -->

OMG, how awesome, right! It's a little hard to see, but it's a signed picture of Mr. PMC, and it's addressed to "Pizza" Kari. It made me one happy camper. And then StayLo told me this long story about how when she asked Mr. PMC to sign it to Pizza Kari he wanted to know the story of how I got that nickname and StayLo tried to tell a short version but it went on and on and finally I was just like, "so you are telling me that you wouldn't tell him that I call him Poppinga my collar but you would ask him to sign a photo to Pizza Kari and then give him the entire history of my stupid nickname?" It was silly, but I heart my photo and I heart my HLP StayLo.

In other news, thanks to Leslie and the Bink's insistence I would love it for about a year now, and two recent trips to St. Louis where all Alan George (shout out to Alan George! don't feed him after midnight [unless it's at Uncle Petey's {is that what that place was called? I almost said Uncle Freddie's, but I know that's not right, noooo Uncle Freddie didn't die} what the hell am I talking about?]) and Dave have on their DVR is old episodes, I have finally given in to Family Guy. I have been DVR'ing episodes on the Cartoon Network (there's like 60 episodes a week on a bunch of different channels, wtf) and getting the DVDs from the library. I love Stewie! He's so cute when he dresses up like an adult and tries to murder people and stuff. I also really like Cleveland, and when I caught the rerun of the one where Lois comes back from the dead and Stewie holds everyone hostage and kills Cleveland I was so happy it was (spoiler alert!) all a simulation in the end cause I don't want to live in a world without Cleveland. I know I am like 5 years behind on liking this show and all, but I guess better late than never.

Speaking of being way behind, I have also recently become obsessed with the Feist song "My Moon My Man." Shout out to Mr. Joe Christopher on this one (I'm having a shout out fit tonight - other people I know, get blogs so you too can be shouted out to by me! I'm awesome!), since he was talking about her album like six months ago on his blog. I love the part at the end when she just sings "my moon my man" over and over. It's my favorite song to listen to in the morning on the way to work, I just sing my moon my man as loud as I can for a good couple minutes and I feel ready for the day.

To wrap this long entry up, I would like to share one more anecdote about my day, gather round kids. Today the Big Cheese, (this is what I have taken to calling my boss at work, not to his face, OBVIOUSLY, but in my head, cause it's funner than "boss" and cause he just seems like a guy people would refer to as the Big Cheese), since I have been yawning a lot lately (which I think is mostly because whenever I am in his office we're usually talking about kind of boring stuff and not cause I am necessarily tired or anything) asked me what I do at night, and then was like "do you go out and party all night like that Britney Spears?" This is probably another one of those had to be there things but it was pretty damn hilarious, cause 1) all I do at night is come home and watch tv or write stupid blogs and 2) this is the first, and hopefully last, time in my life I will ever be compared to Britney Spears for any reason.

Shout out to anyone reading this blog whom I have not already shouted out to tonight. I do it all for you.

Excitement!

Today is the best day evah!!!1!1!! I got my first hate comment on my blog, and I learned that at my office Christmas party we do yankeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee swap! Boo ya grandma! I am so getting a foot bath/massager.

Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets... Christmas.

I Hate You Lance Bass!

He doesn't even talk about his Vegas "marriage" in his "book." WHAT. THE. HELL. I didn't stay up trying to finish this shit to learn all about your Russian cosmonaut training, Lance.

Ugh, so frustrating. I hate you now.
On Halloween!

Lance Bass is a Bad Writer. And a Grade A Asshole.

So I got Lance Bass' book (excuse me, I mean "memoir") from the library, and not like I expected it to be some great masterpiece or anything, I mostly want to read it cause I am a whore for gossip and was wondering who the hell he married in Vegas that one time, cause did you hear about that, what the hell, how random, ANYWAYS, it's so badly written I feel like every N*Sync song will forever be tainted for me and I will never again be able to hear "feel the love from the floor to the ceiling" without flashing back to reading this shit Lance Bass has spewed onto the shitty pages of his shitty book.

Besides being badly written it's really boring! Get to the juicy stuff already Lance, I don't care about how you were in some show choir called Showstoppers. Of. Course. You. Were. And I bet you had the best jazz hands of them all. Other groups Lance was in include "seven card STUD", yes you read that right, and "Attache". PLEASE note that Attache has an accent mark on the e. I wish I could figure out how to insert one in blogger, cause it really adds to the ridonkulous effect.

Here's the passage that really set me off. Lance starts talking about how he loves halloween, exciting memoir material, and spends two paragraphs describing this one halloween night in high school when he was crammed into the backseat of his friend Jason's car when his friend Laura came over and asked him to ride with her to wherever they were going but he didn't want to get out of Jason's backseat after he had crammed himself in (NOT LIKE THAT PERV) , like why is he mentioning this? To let us in on all the pussy he could have gotten in high school but didn't want? No, actually, this story takes a much darker turn. After finally conceding to Laura's wishes (she sounds like a really see you next tuesday, who is that desperate for the company of Lance Bass??) and getting out of Jason's car, they arrive at their destination and wait 45 minutes for Jason to show, which he never does, because DUN DUN DUN DUN, he was in an accident, and the very backseat where Lance was sitting was totaled! Here's a quote, and this is exactly how it appears in the book...

"The car spun around and hit another car, and the back end, where I'd been sitting only minutes earlier, was totaled. It looked like an accordian. If Laura hadn't forced me out of Nathan's car, I could have been seriously injured.
On Halloween!"

WTF. So if you had gotten seriously injured On Halloween! this would have somehow been worse than getting seriously injured on some other random night? What is wrong with you? It so weird and jarring I read it like 3 times thinking to myself, what is he talking about??? Also, we can learn several other things from this passage. 1) Laura wasn't such a c-word after all since she apparently saved Lance Bass' life and all. Wait, maybe she is so bad since that means he could go on and write this crap. I think the jury is still out on you, Miss Laura. 2) Lance Bass is a bad writer. y'all, the totaled car looked like an "accordian." What vivid and original imagery. But most importantly, what we learn from this passage is...

3) Lance Bass is an asshole! He doesn't even tell us what happened to the people actually unfortunate enough to be in the car that ended up looking like an accordian! Did they die? Were they horribly disfigured? Did they walk away free and clear? Did they turn out to be homosexuals who wrote shitty boring memoirs???? And it's not like he's ignoring their fates to focus on his own story and move the narrative along. Lance Bass drops names like a motherfucker throughout this damn book. Just a couple pages before he talks about how he always felt he would be famous, and "at the end of the school year I wrote in my classmate Keri Martin's yearbook, 'Keep this autograph because I'm going to be famous one day.'" Who cares that that chick's name was? Does she have incriminating photos of him or what? Why randomly mention her? And also, what a douche, anyone who goes around saying they are going to be famous, actually becomes famous, and then tells that story like it's endearing and cute without realizing it's actually douchey and shitty is an ASSHOLE.

Ok, I am stopping now. Y'all, I'm only on page 20 and I am this riled up. I should probably stop reading but maybe it will get better after he actually starts doing it with guys and stuff? I'll keep you posted...

This Post is Going to be Fast

Cause I am still at work and I want to get the eff out of here, but I have to do this on my work computer cause my laptop is annoying and hard to deal with and so anyways, I hope this picture post works. Steven from Project Runway has been bugging me for 3 weeks now.






I have been trying to figure out why. I mean besides the fact that he talks like a child molester, SHUT UP, you know he does!! Every time I see him I want to get out my dolly and point to the bathing suit area to show where he touched me. ANYWAYS, I have finally figured out that more than that, he reminds me of that creepy killer from Manhunter!!!! (You know, the original Hannibal Lecter movie, before they remade it into Red Dragon and Ralph Fiennes was way too hot to be scary.) Look...

Don't even fucking lie to me and say you don't think it looks like him. It does, and he's scary, and every time he's on screen I want to cry.

I Just Saw a Commercial for the High School Musical Ice Show

I kind of want to get really drunk and go.

15 Word Movie Review: In the Land of Women

This movie was so awful I want the Haitian to erase my memories of it.

Open Letter to Anyone Who Has Ever Driven on the Highway Period

GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE LEFT LANE! If you are riding in the left lane and you are not actively passing someone, I HATE YOU. Don't even try to be like, "but I am going faster than most of these cars and I don't want to keep moving over to pass the slower cars in the right lane!" Yea, I know, it's so effing tough to put your blinker on and move over lanes. I am crying for you right now, but I DON'T CARE because I WANT TO GO FASTER THAN YOU. And then when I pass you I will move over to the right lane so that if someone wants to go faster than me they can. BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DRIVING ON THE HIGHWAY IS SUPPOSE TO WORK, unlike you you fricking idgit.

Also, by "actively passing," I mean that if you come upon someone in the right lane who is driving slower than you and you must pass on the left, WHY DON'T YOU SPEED UP TO DO IT??? Do not just effing get in the left lane and roll on at your current speed. THAT IS ANNOYING AND IT SLOWS EVERYONE DOWN. Let's just get something straight: if you are ever in the left lane and you are not going more than 5 mph over the speed limit, YOU ARE A WORTHLESS EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING and you should be sterilized so that you cannot propagate another generation of morons who will fuck up everyone else's life through their stupidity.

A special shout out to the mongoloid at the Praireville Shell station, who left her car parked at the pump after she was done filling up while she went inside to buy her ho-hos or ding dongs or whatever. Did you seriously have your head so far up your own ass that you did not see the one, even two cars, parked behind every single pump waiting to fill up? I mean, I AM NOT KIDDING YOU, I thought you were a part of some hidden camera show designed to capture the reactions of people to extreme stupidity, cause I really cannot believe you did not want to put your car in drive and move it 20 feet to a parking spot right outside the front door. Congratulations, you're an asshole. I am amazed the human genetic code could create someone with such a severe level of retardation. Do us all a favor and get a helmet and never leave your home again.

Oh, one other thing. If I have to get into the left lane to pass you, cause you are a moron and everything, and then when I get back into the right lane you flash your brights at me, or honk or WHATEVER to try and show your disapproval, STOP WASTING YOUR TIME. I do not fucking care! You deserve that shit! Be glad I didn't throw eggs at your car or something. ONE DAY MY TOLERANCE WILL BE EVEN LOWER THAN IT ALREADY IS AND I WILL RUN YOU OFF THE ROAD, I swear to all that is holy.

Seacrest out.

And So It Begins...

Last night's episode of The Office was the final new one produced before the writers went on strike. No word has yet been created in English language that expresses how sad this makes me. I bet the writers from the Office could come up with an awesome word. I think it goes without saying that while there are few things that bring me more joy in life than new episodes of The Office, my hatred for evil greedy corporations overcomes my selfish desire for entertainment. Strike on writers! I'll be over here watching JAM fan videos on YouTube and obsessively watching all the old seasons on DVD. I do that kind of stuff even when the writers aren't on strike, but now it will be out of necessity.

Yesterday's crackilicious Brew double play: [is this getting old yet? whatevs, I like it] "Time For Me to Fly" by REO Speedwagon followed by "Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden.

Here's What I've Been Thinking About Today

How do psycho people get sane people to marry them? I mean, for real. For the past couple weeks, I've been fascinated with Heather Mills and the insane lengths she is going to to basically smear Paul McCartney's name all over the press. And she's just talking nonsense half the time, like "I have tapes" and "I can't say anything because of this court order," like if exposing him to the world was sooooo important to you you would just come out and spill it already, but no, we all know you are just in it for the money. Whatevs.

But anyways, this has made me think about the nature of relationships in general, like how does someone who seems completely normal and sane like Paul McCartney end up marrying a fruit loop like Heather Mills? (And yes, I understand that I don't actually know these people and am just judging them based on things I have seen on TV. Maybe Paul McCartney is a complete freak who secretly is into furries, but I'm just assuming he's not. Assume with me, won't you?) I can even understand how you (you are sane and normal in this hypothetical) might start going out with a psycho and they seem nice for awhile and you like them, and then you start to learn things about them and you're like, all righty then, time for me to get on up out of here. But how do you end up dating a psycho for a long period of time, marry them, have children with them, and then all of the sudden realize they have been psycho all along? OR, do people really turn psycho over night??? I hesitate to believe this, because I am an advocate for that old cliche that people really don't ever change.

I realize this entry is really vague and I wish I could be more eloquent about my feelings on this subject, but this has seriously been bugging me. I have been in situations where I thought I have known someone and then one day sort of "woken up" and figured out that that person was completely different than I thought they were. But this has almost always been in situations where I haven't known that person for very long, and haven't had a really deep relationship with them. And I don't mean like when you find out your best friend is secretly into porn or anything like that, I mean like you find out someone you thought was fundamentally a good and sane person turns out to be a raging beeyotch who will go on TV and imply that you like to molest small children and stuff.

God, this entry sucks. Sorry. I don't even know where I'm going with it at all. I really just wanted to share the deep feelings I am having about Heather Mills. It sounds so ridiculous to say, but I honestly feel like if I ever get married I will always be waiting for my husband to just suddenly turn nutso. THIS IS WHAT AMERICA'S DECLINE IN FAMILY VALUES HAS DONE TO ME.

Today's winner for most crackilicious Brew double play of the day: "Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC followed by "The Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats.

The Brew Just Did It Again!

I don't know why I am so fascinated with this, but they just played "Power of Love" and "Another Brick in the Wall" again - this time they played "Won't Back Down" by Tom Petty inbetween, so it's wasn't as jarring, but it's weird. It's also weird to listen to Another Brick in the Wall in my office when it's pitch black outside. That song sort of freaks me out enough as it is, I don't want to listen to it in the dark.

15 Word Movie Review: Because I Said So

This movie was written by mentally challenged people who have never actually observed human beings.

15 Word Movie Review: Lars and the Real Girl

SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!

If I cry at the funeral of a doll, that means the movie is good.

Argh, Help Me Understand You, Crazy 97.3!

I've always been a Dave and Carole girl in the morning, and have always left my radio tuned to 96.5 for the rest of day, cause it's Milwaukee's "best classic rock" and what have you. But recently, in an effort to branch out a little, and because I finally got around to setting the radio presets on the fancy new radio slash ipod dock slash cd player thingie from Sharper Image I bought for my office, I have started listening to the Brew at work. I mean, c'mon, if there was ever a radio station I would listen to just based on the name alone, it would be one called the Brew, right? Anyways, I have no idea how the Brew classifies itself, I think my understanding of it when it first came on the air was like classic rock for a younger generation? Like Van Halen and Motley Crue instead of the Doobie Brothers and Fleetwood Mac? Anyways, after listening to it for a couple days now, I can safely say that any understanding I had about their "format" or "concept" has been completely obliterated, except that I can safely say I think the brainstorming session where said format or concept was conceived involved large quantities of crack. Maybe that should be their slogan, "we smoke crack and then play songs."

By way of illustration, the other day they played Huey Lewis and the News' "Power of Love." I know what you're thinking: awesome, I heart that song, and it's from a fabulous movie starring MJF going back in time and french kissing his mom. Yea, I know, I thought the same thing, and "Power of Love" is a song I want to hear on my radio dial! However, the next song the Brew played? Immediately after "Power of Love"... was "Another Brick in the Wall" by Pink Floyd. Um, oooook? Again, I'm into PF, I dig the song, but really? A somber attack on conformity from the trippiest band ever as a follow up to a power pop love ballad straight from the heart of the 80s? I. don't. get. it. I mean, this station plays "Promises, Promises" by Naked Eyes, a new wave classic, but also "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" by a hair band. Does not compute.

Then, today, after a strange combo of "Jack and Diane" followed by some REO Speedwagon I have never heard of (I admit this combo doesn't seem so weird, but you had to hear this REO song, I think the main instrument was tambourines??) they played a CREED song! They played CREED people! What the hell is happening here? Cause no matter how crazy a radio station gets, I am pretty sure mixing Creed with Poison, Naked Eyes, Pink Floyd and Huey Lewis will only lead to trouble.

Anyways, the Brew is still the best non-KLH station for me so far. Don't even get me started on the stupid effing Mix or whatever station that is that turns into a non-stop Christmas music station starting on November 1st. I hate baby jesus and his stupid ass face.

I Should Really Get Around to Ordering Wireless Internet

On my way home last night I was thinking about a lot of random things, weaving them together in my mind into a fabulous blog entry that would cover Milwaukee radio stations, getting older, feeling like a kid playing dress up when I have to go to court, and the nature of relationships and how they can change so suddenly. This sounds really deep and interesting, doesn't it? (not really I guess, but for dramatic effect let's pretend it really would have been awesome.)

Well, then I got home, sat down at my laptop to write it, and, duh duh duh duh, the neighbor I steal wireless from had turned off their network. I know, you're thinking, you steal wireless? I do, I'm sorry. Though I have lived in my apartment for over 5 years now (wow) I have never bothered to bring myself into the 21st century and actually order my own high-speed internet. I had dial-up (I know, how retro) up until a couple months ago, but I hardly used it cause I am not sure if you have heard, dial up is slow, and I can steal wireless.

When I really need to do something on the internet and my neighbor's wireless is turned off, I get really frustrated, like who turns off their wireless network??? Don't you know people who steal your wireless have important things to do??? I feel like everyone in my building should understand that my need to play online poker or write a blog entry comes first.

Anyways, so the whole point of this entry is to say that I had a really awesome entry planned, and my own laziness and my neighbor's totally unreasonable wireless network habits kept me from writing it. I'll try to get around to it sometime soon, until then, please send all angry letters to Kari's neighbor who insists on turning off their wireless network even though she has important blog entries to write, c/o my building, Shorrre-woood.

Blog Blog Bloo

OOOkay. I have had a number of blogs over the years, none of which ever seemed to last very long. (Shout out to Leslie and StayLo, remember when we had that blog about TV that lasted 5 seconds, that was awesome.) Anyways, I'm going to go back and find my old posts sprinkled about the internet and post them here. And maybe keep up with this blog as well. Or maybe I will get sick of it after a week and go back to smoking dope with the homeless dudes that hang on the corner of Humboldt and Lyon. (j/k, lol. I wouldn't waste my dope on homeless people.)

If I can backdate the old entries to match when I actually wrote them I will, otherwise, don't be confused if the next post seems like a time warp back to more innocent days.

Edited to Add: WOO, it worked, so the entries you see below are dated the exact date and time I originally published them to the internets. How exciting, alert the media.

15 Word Movie Review: Casino Royale

Oh my god, I am so glad I do not have a penis, for realsies.

Goddamnit Grey's Anatomy

shut the fuck up Grey's Anatomy! stop taking music I like and putting it on your show so that everyone starts listening to it and then a million other shows steal it and it gets played 24/7/365 and then when I hear the song I just feel sick and not in love with it like before you took it from an innocent song and turned it into an old dirty whore of a song.

I just saw a commercial for the stupid GA clip show this week (which also, shut up GA with your stupid clip shows. I have a DVR, I have seen all your stupid shows and don't need you to rehash them all over again, OK? and also, even if I didn't have a DVR I am not a moron and can follow the storylines, even though I find it ridiculous none of these people can resist sleeping with every single one of their friends and co-workers. maybe they should work at the courthouse, where it is really easy.) ANYWAYS, I saw a commerical for this stupid clip show where apparently they are debuting an all new Grey's Anatomy music video set to "The Story" by Brandi Carlile. Which is like the most awesome song I have heard in forever, and which I am currently obsessively listening to twenty times a day, and which will now become sullied by being set to stupid scenes of Ellen Pompeo squinting at Patrick Dempsey and George and Izzie having creepy non-sexy sex. So listen to the song on my main page now before it becomes this year's "Chasing Cars."

This Entry is Random, Love It

It's been such a long time since I have blogged – I know all my loyal readers have been breathlessly anticipating my latest entry. This blog is going to be a mishmash of randomness. In my two month absence I have had ideas for a couple different entries and this is the result – be happy I got off my lazy butt to write at all kids.

First random thing: The strangest thing happened to me recently. Sometimes when I am bored I randomly start browsing Wikipedia. Well, I was doing that sometime last month and happened upon this entry. Go over and check it out for a moment if you want, but basically it's a whole entry about a Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks show in Milwaukee that is apparently so famous among his fans that it has been dubbed "The Milwaukee Show." And I was at it. It's famous I guess cause they played an entire concert of Pavement songs in chronological order, which seemed entirely normal to me and Dan when we were actually at the concert. That's the funny thing about reading an entire Wikipedia entry about a concert you went to and had no idea was special at all, it makes me want to hop in my Delorean and go back to that night so I can properly recognize and appreciate it. At the time Dan and I had no idea Pavement songs weren't a normal part of Malkmus playlists, and neither of us was familiar enough with the Pavement catalog to understand that all of the songs were Pavement tracks and being presented in a timeline. I was just excited to hear Spit on a Stranger, and we both spazzed out for Jenny and the Ess-Dog. The other thing I should probably tell you about being at this concert is that I was so unsober it probably wouldn't have registered with me if he played an entire set of Hall and Oates songs so it's doubly strange to now read something on the internet about how excited I should have been to actually be there. Anyways, until someone writes a Wikipedia entry about the classic Trachtenberg Family Slideshow Players show at Shank Hall where I got up and wowed the audience with an astute and compelling question during the Q&A, being at the Malkmus Milwaukee Show is my one claim to Wikipedia fame.

Second random thing: I love the song "Nights on Broadway" by the Bee Gees and I have no earthly idea what it is about. I have been tempted to go and look up the lyrics to try and figure it out, but decided that I wanted to leave it as one of those crazy mysteries that never gets solved. I mean, I can't even understand half of the words. Most of what I can make out is something about blaming it all on the nights on broadway, and that just begs the question, what kind of trouble could a broadway performer really get into that he would have to beg someone to later blame it on his nights on broadway? Then I came up with an elaborate back-story about New York City in the 70s, where there was a street named Broadway that was a home for male prostitutes, and the protagonist is begging someone to forgive him for once being a male hustler. I dig that interpretation and have decided to go with it. So next time you hear "Nights on Broadway," and who doesn't have a hankering to hear the Bee Gees every once in awhile, remember that it's just the sad story of a down on his luck gigolo trying to make good.

Final random thing: I started writing this whole entry about my favorite movies of last year. I got as far as writing about my three favorites, and so I present that to you now. Enjoy.

THE BEST THREE MOVIES I SAW LAST YEAR.

V for Vendetta

The Departed

Children of Men

After I saw V for Vendetta early in the year I didn't imagine I would see another movie that would wow me the way it did. There ended up being two. V was simply an amazing movie that, even though it was set in England and based on a graphic novel 15 years old, was the most brilliant attack on the Bush administration I imagine will ever be put on film. A movie doesn't need to have a message to be entertaining, obviously, but the best movies to me are the ones that keep me mesmerized for the time I am in the theater and keep me thinking about what they had to say long after the credits have run. V is a movie I think I will carry with me for years, wondering how long our government can fool and abuse us until the people decide its time for a vendetta of our own.

The Departed was just a fucking good movie. Leonardo DiCaprio was so good in this movie I was actually offended on his behalf when I read an article in EW this week where someone called his performance "mediocre." Um, are you kidding me? I cared more about his character than any other in a movie last year. I totally wanted to do him, and I usually find Leo annoying at best. [This is actually the way in which I evaluate most male performances, no lie, and in the case of someone I usually find annoying if I would do him you know the acting was off the charts fantastic.] His performance was brilliant, and it wasn't even the best in the movie. Marky Mark stole the show as a cop so awesomely tough Stacey and I decided we want him to be our personal enforcer. The next time I have to call Sprint to bitch at them and I get shitty customer service I am sending Marky Mark over to kick some ass.

There are no words to describe Children of Men. I knew almost nothing about it going in, and it was all the more moving for it. I think Clive Owen has become one of those actors that is so good in every single performance when he turns in one as good as he does in this movie it's not even noticed. He says more with his eyes and face than he does with words. I think it goes without saying I would totally do him, but that's no surprise since the man is simply on fire he's so effing hot.

That's it for now. Hopefully I will get back into more regular blogging as I know so many of you out there get up each morning only to see what my thoughts are on such random bullshit as Bee Gees songs. I live to serve.