The Apprentice Was Terrific, Impressive, and We Loved It

This old post needs a preface. This is the first in a series of posts from the aforementioned TV blog my friends Leslie, Stacey, and I posted on for like ten seconds back in the day. (It was called "The Inside World" cause "Remember that old saying 'What's going on in the outside world?' Yea, we don't care so much about that, we prefer to stay inside with our TVs." We were clever.) Back when the Apprentice was still halfway decent, my hetero life partner, Stacey, and I "im'ed" as the kids would say, during the season finale. (I think this was the second season, anyways, it was the one where that bitchy blonde chick Jen, who was a total waste of space, made it to the finals.)

PizzaKari and Stay-Lo chatted during the Apprentice finale. It was funny. Read along, why don't you?

[theme of the conversation]
PK: yea, jen is sucking ass and i love it
SL: woo-woo

[on the stupid "you can't paint the field or the horses will shit their pants and cry" incident]
PK: seriously, someone negotiates these contracts and whatnot, right? how do you execute a contract with a sponsor and not have that come up???
SL: i know, wouldn't someone know that the painting on the field would scare the horses
PK: i call bullshit. i know, it's so ridiculous, it's like, what?
SL: that had to be created to give him a problem to solve
PK: and um, the chris webber thing? how was he not signed to a contract, how did they not have someone in place to take over? i mean, if I was them i would be pissed, these events are really poorly planned
SL: i don't know. i want to know who the people are who do all the planning up to this point
PK: i know, i think it was monkeys. or the people from big fat obnoxious boss

[imagine children running alongside Trump's golf cart as he high five thems]
PK: HOW MUCH DID THEY PAY THOSE KIDS TO ACT LIKE THEY KNEW WHO TRUMP WAS???
SL: i don't know, but it was hilarious
PK: i am dying, this show is k-ray-zee. when pamela was walking the mike out i thought she was going to sing the national anthem and i was going to lose my shit

[any time midget stacy appears on screen]
SL: shut up midget stacy

[every ten minutes starting at the hour mark we remarked on how there couldn't possibly be this much show left]
SL: seriously, we have almost two hours of the show to go
PK: I know, what else can happen

[every time Jen opens her mouth in the boardroom]
SL: jen you are a fucking liar
PK: i can't wait to hear jen spew some bullshit
PK: well i am really glad midget stacey is behind jen cause i value her opinion
SL: i know, i value all their opinion highly. like chris, when he gives up on tasks
PK: yea, like why is trump listening to these people he oviously thought were shit to begin with
SL: for the drama affect
PK: hi, jen keep yelling at george and carolyn, GOOD PLAN
SL: jen is the smartest eva. she did go to princeton and harvard you know
PK: I HATE HER
PK: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE
SL: me too

[another time check and we discuss what the hell george is smoking when he advocates for jen]
PK: how is there still an hour and a half left, what the hell
SL: so you need to be an abrasive jerk to want to win
PK: george wants to fuck jen or something
SL: i am upset with you george
PK: i know, he is weird and senile

[the live portion begins and gay interviews and whatnot ensue]
PK:what is happening? i am so confused
SL: stop the screaming
PK: this show is so lame sometimes
SL: stop screaming for jennifer. this really brings the show down quite a notch. lets scream it out to see who wins. regis, what?
PK: this is sooooooooooooooooooooo gay. i am not kidding, this is so lame. omarosa, gag

[bill verbally bitchslaps jen]
SL: oh bill, i love you
PK: oh bill, i love it when you hate jen
SL: me too
PK: what if everyone got up and hated on jen? what will bill do now? does he have to give up his crown?
SL: its like ms america

[regis interviews ten million people and 999,999 pick kelly over jen]
PK: hateeeeeeee jen. jen is like on the verge of tears right now.
SL: good
PK: if i didn't hate her so much i would want at least one person to pick jen
SL: team kelly, fuck yeah
PK: HAAAAAAAA
SL: how could he possibly pick jen after this. i mean seriously
PK: i am not sure, this is horrible for her. i feel bad for her, what is wrong with me
SL: i almost feel bad for her
SL: i think george feels slightly defeated
PK: yea, george is like, what the hell, i must have been on crack when i liked jen

[our cold dead hearts feel pity for a brief moment]
PK: poor jen, what is wrong with me, i feel bad
SL: i actually do too. where is jen's reference?
PK: um, what? yea, she couldnt even get someone she knows to talk for her?

[time for a time check]
SL: christ, still have an hour and ten minutes. i cannot imagine how much longer they can drag this out

[they bring all the rejected candidates out and stay-lo states the obvious]
PK: now we have to hear from all these retards
PK: wes went to unc
SL: you love him then
PK: i do, he's special
SL: well, most people who go to unc are special

[pamela starts babbling about jen's sense of business ethics]
SL: i wonder if she had ethics 2000
PK: um, business ethics? mickey c was her personal tutor
SL: that is the only way to become ethical

[jen lists her academic credentials for the 37,000th time]
PK: did you know that she went to princeton? and harvard?
SL: harvard and princeton. she should mention that she was in the top of her class. those things don't mean shit
PK: yea, seriously. fuck harvard law, FOR REAL. what is wrong with her?
SL: i know
PK: SHE WAS PRESIDENT OF HER SORIOTY
SL: i am so sick of hearing aobut harvard and princeton
PK: she is ready to lead a huge corporation
SL: the next person i meet who went to them. i'm going to punch
PK: i mean, those are good schools, but if you have to namedrop them every five minutes you have an issue
SL: it really brings down the value of your education if you have to keep mentioning them

[jen tries to defend her losing record by complaining about the all female team and then the wait for the winner to be announced begins, see if you can guess who won based on our reaction]
PK: jen is like, i was with some crazy ass bitches
SL: SERIOUSLY SHUT UP JEN
PK: i hate donald trump, he's so annoying. so she can talk a good game, what the fuck, he deserves jen if he picks her
SL: i'm scared kari
PK: i know, i really want to try pepsi edge
PK: ...
PK: WOOO WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOO
SL: pizza pizza party with some pepsi edge
PK: that was awesome
SL: sigh of relief
PK: whew. i should go buy a pepsi edge right now

[kelly is forced to choose between a job in Vegas and a job in NYC]
SL:I just want to know what his job is
PK: he has to comb donald's hair every dayg
SL: tough choice
PK: does trump really want to be bulidng more casinos???
SL: seems like a crazy choice to me, since vegas casinos are not doing that well to begin with
PK: is the choice something and las vegas, cause that is no choice my friend, Vegas all the way

[kelly makes the first bad choice in a long time and choose NYC]
SL: oh kelly kari hates you now
PK: dude, the answer is always las vegas

[donald needs a new fucking word]
PK: i would be so bad on this show cause i would just seriously tell peeople to shut it all day long
PK: and i love how donald is all like, you were terrific
SL: why is trump sucking up to them now
PK: i am not sure, this show is so fucked up. it treats the peopel like shit but then tries to make them seem cool at the end
PK: YOU'RE TERRIFIC
SL: oh jen, you are terrific
PK: hey, everyone is terrific
SL: you are not a racist
PK: hey, even if you are a raicst, you are terrific
SL: that's true, everyone is terrific. reege, you are terrific, sugar ray, you are terrific. why are we plugging other shows on here
PK: what in baby jesus's name does sugar ray leonard have to do with this? FAST FORWARD
PK: those are two terrific women. hey, andy you are impressive, and terrific, we loveyou
SL: raj is terrific
PK: raj is imipressive, we love him
SL: jen you are terrific
PK: this is totally our new thing. Stay-L0 you are impressive, terrific, i love you. we all love you
SL: sandy and jen, you defend yourselves terrifically against andy. you are terrific as well
PK: robin that was terrific when you spurned raj. robin, you are impressive
SL: is anyone not impressive? the pepsi bottle was impressive
PK: this is so ker-a-zee
SL: raj, she's married
PK: her marriage is terrific
SL: i would not give my number to raj. even though he is terrific
PK: i would give him a fake number: 976-terrific
SL: i would give him your number
PK: and when he called i would be like, hey raj, you're terrific
SL: charity is terrific. wow, look we donate money and we get free advertising. that is terrific
PK: god ivana, you are not terrific
SL: but selling sex is
PK: omarosa, go away. well jen, it's official, midget stacey and omarosa agree, you are terrific

[they announce the new season which is some stupid educated vs. uneducated mix and is sure to include 80 million references to princeton and harvard, and we really start to beat our joke into the ground]
PK: the new season starts jan 20th, i need a break
SL: that's soon. there better be terrific and impressive people
PK: you know, they are all terrific
SL: they look like a bunch of dweebs. i wonder if any of them went to princeton and harvard
PK: i am sure many of them did, those schools are terrific
SL: do you think jen is goign to go home and kill herself? or do you think she knows she is terrific
PK: she is going to kill kelly. she does know she is terrific though
SL: she is going to hunt down everyone in the audience
PK: yea, i think she just might