Lance Bass is a Bad Writer. And a Grade A Asshole.

So I got Lance Bass' book (excuse me, I mean "memoir") from the library, and not like I expected it to be some great masterpiece or anything, I mostly want to read it cause I am a whore for gossip and was wondering who the hell he married in Vegas that one time, cause did you hear about that, what the hell, how random, ANYWAYS, it's so badly written I feel like every N*Sync song will forever be tainted for me and I will never again be able to hear "feel the love from the floor to the ceiling" without flashing back to reading this shit Lance Bass has spewed onto the shitty pages of his shitty book.

Besides being badly written it's really boring! Get to the juicy stuff already Lance, I don't care about how you were in some show choir called Showstoppers. Of. Course. You. Were. And I bet you had the best jazz hands of them all. Other groups Lance was in include "seven card STUD", yes you read that right, and "Attache". PLEASE note that Attache has an accent mark on the e. I wish I could figure out how to insert one in blogger, cause it really adds to the ridonkulous effect.

Here's the passage that really set me off. Lance starts talking about how he loves halloween, exciting memoir material, and spends two paragraphs describing this one halloween night in high school when he was crammed into the backseat of his friend Jason's car when his friend Laura came over and asked him to ride with her to wherever they were going but he didn't want to get out of Jason's backseat after he had crammed himself in (NOT LIKE THAT PERV) , like why is he mentioning this? To let us in on all the pussy he could have gotten in high school but didn't want? No, actually, this story takes a much darker turn. After finally conceding to Laura's wishes (she sounds like a really see you next tuesday, who is that desperate for the company of Lance Bass??) and getting out of Jason's car, they arrive at their destination and wait 45 minutes for Jason to show, which he never does, because DUN DUN DUN DUN, he was in an accident, and the very backseat where Lance was sitting was totaled! Here's a quote, and this is exactly how it appears in the book...

"The car spun around and hit another car, and the back end, where I'd been sitting only minutes earlier, was totaled. It looked like an accordian. If Laura hadn't forced me out of Nathan's car, I could have been seriously injured.
On Halloween!"

WTF. So if you had gotten seriously injured On Halloween! this would have somehow been worse than getting seriously injured on some other random night? What is wrong with you? It so weird and jarring I read it like 3 times thinking to myself, what is he talking about??? Also, we can learn several other things from this passage. 1) Laura wasn't such a c-word after all since she apparently saved Lance Bass' life and all. Wait, maybe she is so bad since that means he could go on and write this crap. I think the jury is still out on you, Miss Laura. 2) Lance Bass is a bad writer. y'all, the totaled car looked like an "accordian." What vivid and original imagery. But most importantly, what we learn from this passage is...

3) Lance Bass is an asshole! He doesn't even tell us what happened to the people actually unfortunate enough to be in the car that ended up looking like an accordian! Did they die? Were they horribly disfigured? Did they walk away free and clear? Did they turn out to be homosexuals who wrote shitty boring memoirs???? And it's not like he's ignoring their fates to focus on his own story and move the narrative along. Lance Bass drops names like a motherfucker throughout this damn book. Just a couple pages before he talks about how he always felt he would be famous, and "at the end of the school year I wrote in my classmate Keri Martin's yearbook, 'Keep this autograph because I'm going to be famous one day.'" Who cares that that chick's name was? Does she have incriminating photos of him or what? Why randomly mention her? And also, what a douche, anyone who goes around saying they are going to be famous, actually becomes famous, and then tells that story like it's endearing and cute without realizing it's actually douchey and shitty is an ASSHOLE.

Ok, I am stopping now. Y'all, I'm only on page 20 and I am this riled up. I should probably stop reading but maybe it will get better after he actually starts doing it with guys and stuff? I'll keep you posted...